Since I came out and realized I'm trans, everyday there is a new insight to some quirk, interest, or dislike. There are moments when I remember something from childhood thru my 20s when I go, “OHHHHH, I get it now!” Today’s realization was a silly one so I’ll stick with those. The other deeper, sorta really sad ones, those are for therapy and one day a book.
Peanut’s Peppermint Patty - I giggled to myself as I walked past my Sir-baru this morning, thinking how silly I am about the word Sir. Then I had a distinct memory of being drawn to Peppermint Patty from Peanuts cartoons. I loved how surly she was and I absolutely wanted to be called Sir. However, when I was young and someone made that comparison I’d get super embarrassed and didn’t want anyone else to make those connections. Somehow I inherently attached shame to being drawn to this ‘Sir’ character. Now I think she’s pretty dang rad.
Favorite Color? Blue - Do most 34 year olds base their wardrobe, furnishings and paint colors around their all-time favorite color? Sure, some do, but I looked around Bernice the RV last night and I truly saw how much blue is everywhere. Was I drawn to that color because of the actual pigment, or because of the gender connotations there? One year for we got Land’s End bags for ski vacations and everything was embroidered with our initials. My brother got the blue set for boys, and I got the red set (there was clearly no pink allowed in my presence from a young age). I still use my red boot bag with initials SAS but have always had that tinge of jealousy that my brother got the blue version.
Tattooed Dichotomies - My ‘transstamp,’ if you will, is a tattoo of a circle of Fire and Water. I drew and got this tattoo as a symbol of ‘dichotomies’ such as gay/straight, indoor/outdoor, happy/sad, boy/girl, etc… As a 19 year old I did not have the word ‘binary’ in my vocab. Lately I’ve wondered how much I was aware of the binaries within myself (besides happy/sad, that part I knew very, very well).
Laser Hair Treatment - I come from a hairy lineage and as a lady was constantly self-conscious because I was told that I had intense thick man leg hair. I always tried to walk the line between ‘being myself’ and what I saw as socially acceptable. So, I spent lots of money and two years getting (painful!) laser hair treatment on my legs…. Luckily (now), it only partially worked. Sometimes I look at that time of my life as ‘trying to pass’ for feminine or female. I enjoyed some it because I always liked ‘playing dress up.’
Halloween/Dress-Up - Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I loved that you could be whatever or whomever you wanted. Most of my costumes as a kid were based in some sort of masculinity. I was a frequent pirate, a football player, hockey player, headless horseman, and then later in my life I dressed up as my drag king alter-ego Rusty McGruff (that’s a story for another day) Actually, let’s just boil this down to, I love to play dress up and always have. I like playing with costumes, identities and voices. I liked being able to try on new ‘facades.’ If that isn’t a metaphor I don’t know what is.
There are so many others. I wonder if you've had one for me as well. A story, a moment, or something I did where you went, 'OHHH, I get it now.'